By Julia Burke, Beer Editor
I recently wrote about a lovable though rather dive-y tavern for a local newspaper, and a reader wrote in with a complaint about the establishment’s (in her opinion) less-than-friendly bathrooms. She pointed out that “for a female, bathrooms are a very important part of the drinking experience” and offered to write for the paper herself, to provide “the female side of craft beer.”
In other words... she assumed I was a man.
I took this to heart. Folks, your belching, beer-swilling, hoodie-wearing, makeup-eschewing, meat-grilling Beer Editor has had an epiphany. If readers can’t tell I’m a woman from my beer writing, well, it’s time to make some changes.
When I spend my shopping money at Village Beer Merchant and my local breweries instead of the mall and shoe shops; when I throw on jeans and sneakers and hole up at the neighborhood pub instead of putting on high heels and hitting the martini bars; when my nights in involve a bomber of Ithaca Brute, Firefly reruns, and a works pizza; am I missing out on some essential part of the female experience?
I've long been an evangelist for craft beer and a believer that IPAs, porters, maibocks,and all the other great styles know no gender preference, but I'm coming to realize it's a losing battle: let’s face it, the extreme stuff is for dudes, and it’s time I embraced my feminine side.
The beer world has heard my cry. There’s finally a product that allows me to indulge in my passion without compromising my gender identity. Chick Beer has arrived! “Finally, a beer just for women!” the tagline reads... I think I just ovulated. Pass the chocolate. The women who designed Chick beer are "not trying to be one of the guys" –– my gaffe exactly. Time for a crash course in womanhood.
Poured into a pink glass (so it looks pink... the website also notes that wearing pink sunglasses can achieve the same effect) Chick looks as sweet and flirty as a Wisconsin cheerleader. At first contact with the nose I immediately put on Lisa Loeb and invited over a few girlfriends; we were obviously in for a wild night. As I fluffed pillows waiting for their arrival, I took my first sip.
As the website explains, Chick is made for the female “pallet” (Editor's note: the owners of Chick Beer corrected their spelling since we posted this) in the sense that its flavor “leans toward soft malt, and away from bitter hops” –– and sure enough, Chick is soft, optimistic, and conducive to airy banter. It’s bubbly, but not too bubbly: “Chick Beer is also lightly carbonated, because women generally aren’t as fond of belching as men are,” the makers explain. Oh. Ok. No more belching. Dammit. I'm going to need a coach.
With each sip, this lovely and innocent beer tastes like the scene where Carrie and Big walk into the Penthouse apartment and Carrie’s all like “we can’t afford this” and Big’s like “I got it.”
I can’t wait to meet a handsome man who buys me big real estate! Also SHOES! I spent the next several hours cruising online for engagement rings and wedding dresses (No, I’m not technically engaged, but it’s important to have these things lined up). I also picked out a few baby names and finally Googled “bronzer” –– and really, $60 is a small price to pay for even-toned skin. I think my rack even got bigger. Also Justin Bieber is actually pretty great. Srsly!
I can’t believe I used to drink all that bitter, strong, dark stuff. It’s way too much and sometimes you just want to have fun and not have your beer be all in your face, you know? Chick Beer is fun, friendly, down to party, and as easy on the lips (and waist––did I mention it’s light? BONUS! No Zumba tomorrow!) as the watermelon lip gloss I attempted to rock at my eighth-grade dance. I’ve totally found a new beer genre and I’m all about it. Next week: Animee!
Producer: Chick Beer (by A Brewery in Wisconsin to Remain Nameless)
Sample size: “Just a little... well okay.. maybe one more...”
Stemware: Pink martini glass
Price: You can’t put a price on femininity.
Score: Four hearts